Unwanted friends

I’ll tell you what’s a little bit tragic. The e-mails Friends Reunited send to me that imply their site is still interesting and relevant in any way, shape or form.

Sorry Friends Reunited but it’s all over. Stop bothering me. I’m seeing other social networking sites now. Ironically enough you’re like someone I once snogged at school who continues to contact me in the hope of getting a date – the reason many people joined your site in the first place.

That was the reason I joined anyway. I was single at the time and exploring every possible avenue that might lead to me not being single. Turning up at the funerals of people I didn’t know was a real low point. Then, thanks to Friends Reunited, I discovered that everyone I fancied at school must have possessed some kind of genetic time bomb which stripped them of their looks and personalities by the time they were 35. I also discovered that all the stupid kids who bullied me were still more successful and popular than I was. So much for higher education and a love of poetry.

Friends Reunited is a terrible lesson from history for all websites. In my world, Facebook and Twitter have already worn out their welcome and are heading in the same direction. They’re designed for people who can’t sing but still insist on dominating the karaoke machine. People who write ‘simples’ at the end of a sentence and have a need to tell me about every single aspect of their existence. People who post ‘cryptic’ updates such as “Maybe, just maybe...” and expect me to care what they mean. People who should be drowned in jam.

It’s time for the next big thing and, despite being a hugely respected digital media guru, I have no idea what that next big thing might be. For all I know everyone’s now hanging out on a site called trump.com where they communicate by making parping noises through a Smarties tube.

I recently signed Epigram up for a site called Quora, which someone told me was the next big thing. It’s a place where you can publish a question that will then be answered by experts from around the world who need some attention. I realised there was nothing that I actually wanted to ask – my child-like sense of wonder having been killed off when I stood on an electric plug last week and realised that we live in a Godless universe. However, other people were happily asking questions that could be easily answered in a few seconds by a gibbon with a vague knowledge of Google.

It all made me feel sad and afraid which actually gives me an idea. Sadandafraid.com – the Facebook and Twitter for people who never post anything, don’t want to reveal any details about themselves and really don’t understand this social media thing. I’d sign up for it in an instance.